Friends, I am more than thrilled to begin my roadtrip to Michigan. I won’t be tied down to any major responsibilities or tempted to schedule hangouts with anyone. The pressure to prove myself to everyone around me will be gone. I can simply enjoy life and focus on what the Lord has for me. I am not sure what adventures lie ahead of me this coming week, but I know it’s going to be good. I’m on a serious journey of self-discovery.

Too many years have I been held in bondage trying to live a life approved by everyone and living my life as someone else’s ideal life for me. I’m tired of being puppeteered by negative voices in my actions and subconscious thought life. Just who is running my life?

A push, a pull, a tension growing bigger and bigger inside my mind and chest, so strong I am not sure how I can continue living for everybody else.

***

After getting let go from my new job of two weeks, I decided to spend some time with my sweet sister’s family in Michigan to take a breather. Moving from job to job and city to city could be exhausting. It’s time to press the big red reset button and figure out my next steps in a welcoming environment.

In the busyness of selling my furniture and packing my life into a car, I found myself contacting people to connect with before I say “see ya later.” My entire schedule was open to anyone who was free to meet with me. Opening my schedule is not necessarily a bad thing, but it definitely isn’t the best thing when I’m completely dismissing my needs to meet everyone else’s. I just got fired, and I’m more concerned about how all my friends are doing – and not how my heart was doing. Not until I had a real-life talk with my brother did I realize I’ve always catered to everyone else while neglecting the whole person of Amy entirely.

***

Have I always been this dismissive of my needs? To me – Amy? Why do I feel BAD to give myself any attention? Even when it comes to personal development and buying food (FOOD!) for myself, why do I feel BAD about it? My dad used to tell me I’m more Chinese than him because I wouldn’t buy food to save money. Now that’s pretty bad. (The Chinese are culturally known to constantly save money. When the communists took over, they were given rations of rice, meat, etc. It was a tough time and the Chinese tend to carry their saving tendencies even today.)

I denied the person of Amy for too long. I believed she had no value or self-worth at all. Why pay her any attention if this is so? Sometimes I wake up, get ready, and leave the house without checking myself in the mirror. Do I even know what I look like anymore? I believed I wasn’t worth more than a glance. I honestly felt wrong and embarrassed to do so even when no one else was watching.

Am I scared to face who I really am and truly accept who I see in the mirror? Not just accept, but embrace  and celebrate who I see in the mirror? Even if my presumption of others thinking it’s wrong to look at myself in the mirror is true.. so what? I want to do better and be better. After all, I’m the only one who I’m responsible for. I need to be the one that gives myself a good look in the mirror and take steps to become better.

***

I desperately need to know and believe in my heart who God made me to be. I want to dig deep into what makes me most alive – and take action! I want to find God through it all and become best friends with Him! I’m not settling for just reading and declaring the truths in the Bible. Gaining knowledge about the Bible is not sufficient for me anymore – Oh how I need to know deep down in my heart and encounter God Himself personally.

1 thought on “ break ”

  1. My dearest Little Cub! I wish I was there to hold you and tell you how wonderful I think you are. Your writings are deep and express the longings of our human hearts. I love you and know that as you pursue the Lord His wonder will lead you.

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